Blow Me: Manchester United 2 - West Ham United 2

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Manchester United drew 2-2 with West Ham in a mid-week trip to Upton Park, salvaging a point on a day when the visiting side played less than their usual best.  Hauling themselves back from two separate deficits, the Reds were unable to take the final step and find a late winner against a physical and determined West Ham United side.  Antonio Valencia and Robin Van Persie matched goals with Ricardo Vaz Te and Mohammed Diame, although it was Andy Carroll’s name that United fans found themselves cursing most after the conclusion of the spirited contest.

The home side began strongly, a not unexpected result amid the cauldron of noise at the Boleyn Ground, with Carroll narrowly skimming the post under gloaming skies.  West Ham passed the ball crisply and ten minutes passed in a blur with the theme of the game not yet apparent, as both sides suffered from turnovers and found themselves unable to impose their respective gameplans.  By the 15 minute mark, though, the theme of the contest was beginnign to come into focus: Matt Jarvis using pace to beat Rio Ferdinand to the end line, and Carroll outleaping his marker to head the ball into the path of Vaz Te’s for the opening goal – the Hammers’ speed and physicality getting the better of a diffident United defensive effort.

The away side seemed to be suffering through the general malaise that has plagued virtually all of their recent games, the end product bedeviled by passing that was not accurate enough, pace not quick enough, and movement not wily enough – through 25 minutes and the ball was still unfamiliar with the gentle caress of West Ham ‘keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen’s hands.

Although Jaaskelainen’s gloves were still unsullied five minutes later, the scoreline was leveled when Shinji Kagawa outplayed the entire West Ham defense to pick out an unmarked Valencia in front of goal, the winger finding himself left with only a tap in for the equalizer.  The goal was the first of the season for the Ecuadorian, and it changed the complexion of the contest: for the first time in the half it was the visitors looking the more fluid of the two sides.  If Sir Alex planned to pull out his famed hairdryer at the interval to castigate a largely uninspired performance, however, the final corner of the half offered him a golden opportunity to warm it up, with the Scot absolutely incandescent at the non-call on Carroll’s dangerous foul on United ‘keeper David De Gea just prior to the whistle.

Separated at Birth: Week 7 in the BPL

o The most memorable moment from City's 3-0 thumping of Sunderland at home on Saturday?: Super Mario's long, slow walk to the tunnel after being withdrawn for Sergio Aguero at the game's 55 minute mark. With everyone else on the team celebrating an easy home victory, you know the question that's got to be foremost on Balotelli's mind: Why always me...?

o Chelsea looked about as comfortable as you can possibly appear against a Premier League aide while playing a hapless Norwich City at Stamford Bridge on Saturday.

o Who needs Daniel Day-Lewis when you have Eden Hazard? It's been bothering us for a few weeks now, but we finally figured it out: slap a stovepipe hat and an old, musty dark suit on him, and Eden Hazard could easily pass for the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln. 




Separated at Birth

o We meant to offer some pithy comments on Everton vs. Wigan, but we have to be honest with you: an Oktoberfest event came calling instead. You choose: Everyon against Wigan, or several big, cold daytime beers calling your name.... I thought so.

o Bogus Yellow Card of the week: Theo Walcott being cautioned for excessive celebration when he launched himself into the first row of the Arsenal supporters after putting the Gunners up 2-1 against West Ham. To which we say about the FA: You're a #BunchOfTwats.

o Three thoughts while watching Arsenal 3 - West Ham 1: 1) Andy Carroll looks rejuvenated -- Big Sam's system fits him to a T; 2) if Theo Walcott has emerged from his exile and can rediscover the rich vein of scoring form he hit last season, the sky is the limit as to just how good this Arsenal team can become -- they seemingly have a wealth of attacking options; and 3) once again, Santi Cazorla ran the show for the Gunners. Remember when David Villa was the hot Spanish import in the BPL? Yeah, well no longer.... Cazorla looked cutting and dangerous at all times on Saturday -- our only concern is that he also looks a bit like "that" type of player when playing teams that practice the traditional lumbering English style of football -- he may be able to cut apart the West Hams and Stokes of the world, but can he do it against one of the "big" teams...?

O Striker Where Art Thou?

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Correspondent Scott with what can only be described as a rather deseprate plea for help:

A stench that can only be described as a mixture of nausea and déjà vu envelops me like a gaseous, suffocating blanket.  With my ears still ringing from air horns blaring transfer rumors, I shakily lurch for the remote and thumb into darkness the high definition cesspool of disappointment before me.  Was it real?  Did I really make Luis Suarez captain of my fantasy team? 

Oh sure, Manchester United can pull two goals from their Van Puckered rectum in the closing minutes to pilfer another three points.  But can Liverpool win a game at home when they have more possession, create enough chances and consistently play the ball out of the back?  Of course not because this isn’t Kansas anymore – whatever that means.

So before I have to bust out in multiple, cathartic nursery rhymes again, would someone please remove the garden shears from my nape by telling me Brendan Rodgers has another striker where Van Pucker keeps his goals?  Or at least tell me that Raheem Sterling is, pound for pound, worth his weight in silver?  After all, he did look dangerous, if you’re related to Emily Post, and also managed to hold off an oafish defender or two while not fouling as often as last week.

That Andy Carroll is hamstrung at West Ham is of little solace to me when Fabio Borini is overlooking passing options in order to shoot like a drunken grandma with a bent BB gun.  And Daniel Agger’s return from suspension, while adding depth to the back line, does nothing for my smarting scruff when he misses a wide open header from Captain Steven Gerrard's corner.

A glass house, indeed, would said talismanic captain be were he to cast aspersions at the slippery-headed Dane.  Bad touches in the 16^th, 28^th, 31^st and 56^th minutes, to name but a few, when added to those of recent campaigns, and despite what the pundits proclaim, may harbinger that sad, inevitable decline of a legend.  Please let it not be so.

Week 3 in the BPL: Traveling Down Route One

Photo by Dougtone on Flickr

o We're hoping Sam Allardyce drove along Route One to get to Upton Park on Saturday, because that's the same path that his football team took as they laid waste to Fulham with a comprehensive 3-nil victory on Saturday. Direct and dangerous, the Hammers used newly signed forward and former Liverpool whipping boy Andy Carroll to his best advantage, outleaping and outmuscling a Fulham defense that looked surprisingly sluggish and confused. If he was slumping in his seat last week, Big Sam must have been parading around like a peacock after this one -- even the second half introduction of Dimitar Berbatov did little to sway the course of the contest. It's too early to tell, of course, but if this weekend was a sign of things to come for Fulham, look out below.

o Another game, another draw snatched from the jaws of victory for Andre Villas-Boas and Spurs this weekend. He can change personnel and systems, but AVB can't change the fact he hasn't had a League win in quite some time. There are lots of new names to integrate into the squad, and the feeling around here is that it may take a fair bit of time for this newlook Spurs' squad -- replete with Dembele, Dempsey, Sigurdsson and Lloris -- to find their footing. Let's hope Daniel Levy displays some patience as the new Manager's seat on the sidelines begins to warm up.

o For the first time in a long time, I think Liverpool may be headed in the right direction under new head man Brendan Rodgers, despite their 2-nil loss to Arsenal this weekend. The Scousers looked smooth and flowing in the midfield Sunday, combining lots of movement off the ball with dangerous interplay between the squad's many accomplished midfielders. Once they have adapted fully to Rodger's way of playing, Liverpool will lack only one thing: a true center forward, rather than a racist diving cheat who can't seem to find the net on a regular basis.

o Luis Suarez plays as if he's never seen a clear chance on goal that he didn't think he could easily put well over the bar.

o BTW, can someone please tell me why Pepe Reina is considered a world class goalkeeper?  Talk about double standards.... Reina's Sunday howler gave the Gooners their second goal of the afternoon and all we could think about was this: imagine the reaction in the British tabloids if David De Gea had done that?!

o On a weekend in which we saw plenty of strikers miss open headers -- Olivier Giroud comes to mind -- how is it that Michu needed only the slightest of openings to bury his fourth goal of the season against Sunderland on Safurday?  The Spaniard is proving to be the buy of the season, at least for the early going, and Manager Michael Laudrup can only hope that his midfielder's strong start to the campaign can help the Swans through a tough time now that Neil Taylor is out with a broken ankle and Chico Flores is lost to suspension.

Premier League Transfer Madness: Going Out on a Limb

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In which we go out on a limb to analyze the latest transfers -- both fact and gossip:

Dimitar Berbatov to Fulham: We've spoken early and often of our admiration for the languid Bulgarian, so it will come as no surprise that we think this will be a great pick up for Fulham.  As one Twitter wag stated yesterday, Martin Jol must be an absolute transfer genius to have picked up Mladen Petric and Dimitar Berbatov solely with the funds he received from offloading Bobby Zamora.  We can't wait to see Dimi receive the regular football he deserves, and believe he will once again be near the top of the League in goals by the end of the season.  If Berbatov does what we think he can, Manchester United may be glad they've already played Fulham once this season.

Andy Carroll to West Ham United (on loan): Could this be a marriage made in heaven?  Sure sounds like it to us.  Big Sam loves kick and run football -- and whose head is better to aim at than the ponytailed Geordie?  We don't see Carroll ever being worth anything close to £35 million in this lifetime, but if his form revives in a system that suits him, this could be a rather shrewd loan move by the scousers.

Clint Dempsey to Aston Villa: Seriously?  If this move comes off, Clint Dempsey's agent ought to have his hearing checked: Dempsey expressed a desire to play in the Champions League -- not the Championship next season.

Moussa Dembele to Spurs: A nice acquisition by Spurs, who may be shedding themselves of a midfielder or two in the next couple of  hours (see below for more).  We've always liked Dembele, and his fine form from last season has continued into the current campaign.  Spurs need more directness in their attack, and Dembele could be just the man to supply it.

Fernando Llorente to Liverpool: Sorry Liverpool fans, as much as you'd love it, it's just not happening.

Scott Sinclair to Manchester City: [Yawn.]  Someone had to replace Adam Johnson on the bench at Eastlands.

Julio Cesar to QPR: Someone check this man's age.  The calendar may show 32, but he's already showing signs of severe dementia, claiming that he believes QPR will win the League.  Mark Hughes' strategy seems to involve buying anything that's not nailed down at the current moment, and we believe this is a move that the club will soon regret.  Isn't Robert Green good enough for the Championship next season?

Edin Dzeko to Arsenal: If this one is true, Arsene Wenger should step down for the good of the club and its fans.  If he were to acquire Dzeko, Wenger will have officially jumped the shark.  To clarify, when we were saying Arsenal should be a bit more physical, we were talking about the defense and midfield, Arsene.

Talkin' Transfers: World Football Roundup

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Thank God football returns today -- and not a moment too soon.  The last few weeks have felt like an eternity, a desert of boredom in the middle of the European Championship and the summer games.  Sure, it may only be "pre-season" football, but I'm not choosy -- I'll take what I can get.  

Meantime, some parting shots at the latest transfer stories in today's newspapers: 

o Clint Dempsey to Liverpool?  Please don't make me hate America's best footballer.  I could take a move to Arsenal -- I'd welcome it, in fact.  But Liverpool?  That's a whole 'nother kettle of fish....

o Ibra to PSG?  Probably a great signing by the Ligue 1 side.  The guy is a complete enigma, but he's also a proven title winner -- in the Netherlands, Italy and Spain.  The French title seems rather easily within reach with this latest move -- which must be true, as it's already reflected on his Wikipedia entry.  Combined with the signing of Thiago Silva and  coach Carlo Ancelotti, PSG could be a team to watch in next year's Champions League.

o Is the Manchester United transfer saga -- or lack of it -- the most boring football story of the summer?  I wish they'd just sign Baines now so we could get rid of all the other endless links -- along with the inevitable disappointment that will follow.  It's almost enough to make me long for the good old days, in which Wesley Sneijder was regularly spotted in Manchester by someone "in the know...".

o Luka Modric to Real?  The prospect of losing one man crush -- Dimitar Berbatov -- to West Ham is upsetting enough.  But losing Luka to another league altogether would truly be a double blow for this particular writer.

Liverpool Transfer Talk

Columnist Scott Prefers to Type his Blogs on a Typewriter That Dates Back to Liverpool's Last Championship
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Columnist Scott looks at Liverpool's off-season moves to date:

Brendan Rodgers was trying to be coy about whom he might sign this week or next, promising only that the Liverpool faithful will be “excited”.  As it turns out, it was Fabio Borini whom he fancied and finally signed.  Borini previously played under Rodgers at Chelsea and Swansea but spent last season scoring 10 goals in 26 appearances for Roma.  I honestly don’t know enough about Borini to form an opinion on the matter.  On the one hand, it is exciting to see new blood that is specifically chosen by the new manager.  On the other hand, Borini couldn’t even get on the field for his nation during Euro 2012.  But, he is only 21, his team is Italy and Cesc Fabregas had trouble getting on the field for his team, too.

Ever more interesting to me, especially in light of this acquisition, is all the talk regarding a possible loan move for Andy Carroll.  I have mixed emotions on the topic as he clearly did not live up to expectations during the season but then he (1) was injured at the beginning and (2) never seemed to get regular playing time to get back “in the groove”.  Plus, his performance at the Euros shows the big forward he can be.  Unfortunately for Carroll, it would seem, simply by inspecting history, that Rodgers’ gameplan does not require a big forward.

As much as I loved seeing Liverpool players in the England squad at the recent Euros, I have to admit I was scratching my head when I saw Jordan Henderson inserted against Italy.  Despite showing infrequent bursts of ability, Henderson, more than any other Dalglish signee (including Downing), failed to impress last year.  Quite frankly, if Rodgers is looking to put anyone out on loan, he should consider the English youngster who could really benefit from more time to develop.

Despite being on contract for a while longer, Rodgers has been eager to report that he is near to extending Luis Suarez’ contract.  Mixed emotions again invade my humble brainspace as I weigh the Uruguayan’s abilities against his antics.  Perhaps a season of head-down, mouth-shut playing will put the bad taste of last year’s Evra fiasco far enough in the rear-view mirror.

Euro Mazing

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Scott checks in with some thoughts on the Euros:

England may have been fortunate to avoid Spain in the quarter finals, but they won’t go far unless they get more creative on the attack and a little more solid on defense.  Lobbing in crosses won’t cut it every time, especially if they meet the Germans’ superior air power.  And on more times than I can count over the past 2 games, the back four have stopped and looked at each other when a loose ball presents itself at the top of their 18.  Maybe the defense will gel quickly and maybe Steven Gerrard’s pinpoint crosses can do enough damage (his passing has been sublime), but unless they step up their game they may have reached their limit in the competition.  Which, when looking at their lineup, is shocking since they have quality in almost every position.  But, as dominant as these players are for their club teams, as a group and playing for country, they often seem nervous and play below their abilities.  Only Gerrard and Joe Hart seem unfazed by the stage on which they are playing.

England’s ace in the hole may be Wayne Rooney’s return.  Despite missing an absolute sitter of a header against Ukraine, he is fresh from his suspension and as hungry as ever.  Roy Hodgson would be insane to contrive a lineup without him.

Andy Carroll played well against Sweden.  His goal was brilliantly taken and his effort was tireless, tracking back repeatedly to pressure and win balls.  And, of course, there was the usual, effective knock down and hold up play for which the big man is known.  Most impressive to me was to see him sprinting at the 60 minute mark to track back and pressure.  He probably knew he was coming out of the game but that is the type of consistent effort England will need.

Spain may have mastered the 1-0 win but they will need to score more to win back-to-back Euros.  A dearth of goals has always been the weak link for this Barcelona-sans-Messi team (as previously discussed on these pages), but the now-injured David Villa always seemed to come through.  The Fernando Torres-led 4-0 thrashing of Ireland seems to have been an aberration as La Roja returned to their parsimonious ways in a late 1-0 victory over an unlucky Croatia team.  The fact is that the Spanish seem to have lost some of their invincibility.  At one time, they never coughed the ball up in the midfield due to pressure or an errant pass.  But those days are gone as they have proven to be mortal with a slew of lost balls in midfield now combining with their inability to score.  They say great teams eek out results early and improve as the tournament goes on.  Vicente del Bosque knows what to work on.

A Toe Story: Thoughts on the BPL's Final Weekend

The fact Ed Paints his Toenails Red Tells You Where His True Footballing Loyalties Lie

There's something on Columnist Ed's mind, and it's not only his foot:

Some thoughts with only a week left to watch:

1.  The FA Cup just isn't very important any more. Ultimately, the biggest games are the fight against relegation, the fight for the top four, the fight for the BPL title, and success in the Champions League.  The League Cup and the FA Cup have become competitions for those big teams that haven't accomplished any of the above (Liverpool, and to some extent Chelsea), and for the little teams who often go against unmotivated or reserve top teams.  The FA Cup seems to have a glorious history in England, but at this point the top level competitions and the enthusiasm and TV ratings they bring are what it's all about.

2.  Andy Carroll might not be that bad.  I thought Carroll played extremely well in the FA cup match against Chelsea, and well again in Tuesday's game.  My only problem with his performance in the FA Cup was his ridiculous decision to celebrate the goal that wasn't a goal instead of making sure of it and following it in.  Putting that aside -- something that's actually difficult to do -- it appeared for the first time since his days at Newcastle that he played with enthusiasm and effectiveness.  If I were coaching Carroll I would give him video of Bayern Munich frontman Mario Gomez to observe and try to emulate, in particular Gomez's anticipation.  Gomes is not wildly talented with the ball, but is able to use his size and speed effectively.  I'd also give him video of himself during his heyday at Newcastle.  The problem with Carroll it would seem is more mental than physical.

3.  Spurs can't get it right!  Okay, they dominated Villa in shots and possession and everything but score, and Villa did put in a lucky one on a deflection, but Spurs' inability to pull out that victory puts Spurs in the position of being:  The Same Old Spurs.  What I mean by this is a team that can never overcome its main rival, and always loses the big game when faced with it.  Pulling out a win at Fulham remains a toss up in my opinion.  This Spurs team, like all Spurs' teams, can't be counted on.  And who knows if fourth is enough?  The only consolation is that Arsenal's game is also a toss up.  The Gunners can't seem to beat anyone without Arteta, and were shoved around by Norwich at the Emirates.  Should be interesting.

4.  Chelsea's season will end with a fizzle.  I suspect that Chelsea is going to get absolutely beat up by Bayern.  This is due to the loss of both of Chelsea's runners -- Ramires and Meireles.  But also because it's in Munich and that Chelsea just aren't that good.  I wouldn't be surprised if this one wasn't that close.  It might be a weird end to a strange season for the Blues, and one which will leave some doubt as to whether Roberto Di Matteo will return next year. 

5.  Ya Ya Toure was the Player of the Year.  I know he didn't win it, and Van Persie did have an amazing season.  But Toure was the critical player for the best team in the League -- let's call them Manchester A.  He was clutch and he dominated the center of the pitch against whomever he played.  Speed, awareness, agility -- Toure was the gold standard in the BPL and should have received the award.  The fact that he wasn't even nominated is kind of absurd, really. 

Kenny's Singing the Blues: Chelsea 2 - Liverpool 1

o Could someone please explain to me why the FA Cup Final is played before the regular Premier League season ends....? Couldn't they have waited another week or two?  The FA is all screwed up with their timing: they often announce the next round in the competition before the current one has even been completed, and now they interrupt the penultimate league round of the season to play the Cup Final. What's the rush?

o I didn't realize how expensive seats for the game had become. What got me thinking was when I learned that Chelsea and Liverpool paid a reported £85 million to buy seats at Wembley for Fernando Torres and Andy Carroll...!!  At least they had a good view of the first half action for that price.

o Ramires is either a much improved player this season, or I seriously underrated him. I considered him interchangeable with Jon Obi Mikel -- not saying much, I can assure you -- but the Brazilian has mixed well with the pint-sized midfield wizard Juan Mata, adds some serious pace and threat to Chelsea's ability on the  counter, and his goals over the few weeks (including his wonder chip over Victor Valdes at the Camp Nou) have proven key to Chelsea's resurgence.

o Anyone else notice that Chelsea started winning again once The Drog and Fat Frank found their way back into the lineup from AVB's long winter exile?  Not to take credit away from RDM's managerial run of success, but the solution to Chelsea's woes seemed fairly obvious to even the most casual observer of the Blues.

¡Viva Liverpool!

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The dream is still alive for Columnist Scott:

The length and complete silence of the tribute paid to the victims of the 1989 Hillsborough disaster, prior to Saturday's FA Cup Semi-Final game between Liverpool and Everton, was poignant and admirably respected by every single one of the over 87,000 fans in attendance. My condolences to the families of the victims and my respect to the fans.

The game itself, however, was far from silent, which is not surprising given the rivalry of these two Liverpool teams.  This was the 5th Merseyside derby at Wembley Stadium and proved to be a thriller, with the Reds coming out on top with a bit of luck.

That bit of luck was needed after the previous fortnight of Liverpool goalkeeping problems.  First, there was Pepe Reina being dismissed from the Newcastle game for a forehead brush deemed a headbutt.  Then there was his replacement, Alexander Doni, being dismissed from the Blackburn game after being forced, compliments of John Flanagan's horrendous back pass, into a lunging effort that floored Junior Hoillet.  His replacement in that game, Brad Jones, for whom the erring Flanagan was sacrificed, then proceeded to see a yellow card that could have been red when he tumbled Yakubu Aiyegbeni while attempting to recover his bumbled catch.  Andy Carroll scored the winner at Ewood Park that day to foreshadow the events that would unfold at Wembley.

Back to the game at hand - a curious starting lineup was put forth by the under-fire Kenny Dalglish.  Jose Enrique was absent ,as were Dirk Kuyt and scoring-machine Maxi Rodriguez.  At the back, Daniel Agger was out wide on the left with Glen Johnson on the right to bookend Jamie Carragher and Martin Skrtl.  Andy Carroll got the starting nod along with Luis Suarez up front, while they were supported in midfield by Jordan Henderson, Stuart Downing, Jay Spearing and Steven Gerrard.  Brad Jones, by default and only after Alexander Doni's red card appeal failed, manned the goal.

The game turned out to be a tale of two halves - the first half with more back and forth but with Everton looking the more dangerous and the second half in which Liverpool dominated from start to finish.

Fast and Furious: Round 33 in the BPL

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The games are coming fast and furious now, no rest for the weary, even of the fantasy football variety. I had to wake up at midnight on Easter Sunday evening to change my fantasy squad, as I'd forgotten to do so earlier in the day.  Nevertheless, the show must go on:

o As it did for Newcastle United, although their snoozer of a game versus Bolton never really sprang to life until Player of the Week Hatem Ben Arfa slalomed through the Trotters on his way to a fabulous second half goal. Many of the players on the pitch for Bolton looked as if they had to wake up at midnight Sunday night, as well -- and never went back to sleep.  


o Papiss Cisse may be lighting up hearts and minds in Toonside, but his arrival seems to have coincided with Demba Ba's fall from form. Could it just be a coincidence?  Or more likely, is the first-to-arrive Senegalese striker beginning to get a bit frustrated at his lack of playing time and opportunities -- as he looked when he was substituted after an hour on Monday.  The situation bears watching, because Ba may be eligible to go elsewhere next season....

o All this talk about how Chelsea has turned its season around strikes me as far fetched. Finishing fourth in the League and winning the FA Cup -- which the Blues seem to have a lock on, of late -- will hardly qualify as a major success. That is, unless you believe I've written them off too early against Barcelona....

o Liverpool's situation becomes more comedic by the day. The fact that the dismissal of their first string goalkeeper was followed in the very next game by  walking papers being issued to their second string goalkeeper (and very nearly their third, as well) is topped only by an even more statistically improbable feat: Andy Carroll scoring a late, game-winning goal. I mean, what are the odds?!

o Manchester City's game versus West Bromwich Albion could be the first time I've ever seen a in-depth highlights package of a Premier League game that didn't include any evidence of one the teams possesing the ball outside of their defensive end.  As Ricky Ricardo would have said, Baggies Manager Uncle Woy has "some 'splaining to do" for the lineup he trotted out like lambs to the slaughter -- omitting his two leading strikers for the trip to Manchester.

Andy Carroll’s Self-Immolation and the Phantom Headbutt

Columnist Scott and His Fellow Reds
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If Liverpool's exploits get any more embarrassing this season, Colunist Scott may have to move to Tibet....

Put aside the blatant handball by a Newcastle defender that cleared a ball off the goal line; put aside yet another strong start by the Reds; and put aside more near misses and sublime through balls (think Gerrard near the 56 minute mark).  What you are left with is a talented yet overwhelmingly underperforming Liverpool side which, with one nod of an alopecic head, has now jeopardized an FA Cup title which was to be, along with the Carling Cup victory, this season’s redeeming accomplishment.

What happened at St. James’ Park, nay, Sports Direct Arena, last weekend was a complete meltdown by Andy Carroll on par with Tibetan-protestor-style self-immolation.  Despite his modest upturn in effectiveness recently, the pony-tailed white elephant turned in an astonishingly embarrassing performance by missing chances and flinging himself to the ground at nearly every opportunity. But none was more blatant than near the nine minute mark when, after first very cleverly working his way to a one-on-one with Tim Krul, he tipped the ball just out of reach of the lunging Newcastle number one and....dove to the ground despite no contact and an empty net waiting!!??

WTF??!!!

That last acronym being exactly what I blurted out (in its less abbreviated form, of course) and, after settling down (a bit), managed to thumb into my iPhone notes. The moment seemed to encapsulate Carroll’s year - there for the taking but squandered, his yellow card justly deserved.

Yeesh!

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While “yeesh” is not a word recognized by Dictionary.com, it has been a common word around our house of late, along with those words that have letters substituted, in polite company, by a combination of ampersands, asterisks and exclamation points.  Capitulating to Queen’s Park Rangers at Loftus Road last week surely slapped the Champions League hopes out of even the most ardent Liverpool supporter.  But losing to lowly Wigan at Anfield this weekend, after inducing a torrent of the aforementioned password tricksters, produced a general malaise through which I have been unable to navigate and to which I have only been able to say “Yeesh!”

Speaking of appropriate words, “depose” and “abdicate” come to mind when thinking of King Kenny. In fact, I see three possible scenarios: 1) the Reds turn it around and Dalglish retains his crown; 2) they continue to underperform and Dalglish abdicates his throne preemptively, or upon coming to a “mutual agreement” with management, potentially over the summer ,or certainly if they start the next campaign poorly; or 3) not much has improved in Camelot by mid next season and the King is deposed.  Legendary status will buy him extra, but not unlimited, time.  I, for one, am rooting for him.

They have been called the “Gruesome Foursome” signings: Charlie Adam, Stewart Downing, Andy Carroll and Jordan Henderson. In the case of Henderson, I agree with the moniker - he has been wildly inconsistent, even detrimental at times, with his rare flashes of brilliance a bit like catching a glimpse of the aurora borealis at a temperate latitude.  Still, he is young and may develop, vindicating Dalglish.  Although, I have to say that starting him as much as he has seems excessive, given his contributions to date.

As for the other three members of the quartet, they had all enjoyed recent success in the BPL prior to arriving at Anfield. But, criticism can be directed correctly at Dalglish for spending such amounts on three midfielders while putting Raul Meireles out to pasture and benching Maxi Rodriguez.  Meireles and Maxi were two big reasons for Liverpool’s late-season success last year, and now one wears blue and the other rides pine.  Not to mention Dirk Kuyt, who is none too pleased that, despite being one of the most consistent players in the squad, keeps finding himself coming off the bench (and thank goodness he did in the Carling Cup final).  And let’s not forget the spunky Craig Bellamy, whose ability to be impactful during his brief appearances on the pitch would make him a valuable acquisition even if he didn’t arrive on a free transfer.

The Transfer Market Hall of Shame, Class of 2011

farlieonfootie's newest hire has demanded that his wages be paid entirely in craft beer.  Herewith, Columnist Randy:

With a new year comes a new transfer window and the excitement is building. Rumors are flying fast and furiously as fans anxiously wait to see if their favorite team has upgraded their talent or lost what talent they had (stay tuned, Blackburn fans). With all the transfer excitement building, we thought it a good idea to look back on last year's transfers to see which have been the worst so far. While there have been some great ones --  Demba Ba to Newcastle, Juan Mata to Chelsea and, of course, Sergio Aguero to Manchester City spring to mind -- we’re going to look at the five worst transfers of 2011. My criterion, while very subjective, basically takes into account two things: 1) How expensive was the player in question; and 2) have they produced and lived up to expectations. With that said, on to our top, er, bottom 5.

5 – David De Gea  - Manchester United

Transfer - £18 million from Atletico Madrid

De Gea arrived at Old Trafford as the heir apparent to the legendary Edwin Van der Sar . Coming off a successful U-21 European Championship he initially seemed up to the task. Alas, De Gea has been tentative in the box of late, and susceptible to costly mistakes all season long. His play so far has earned him time on the bench, and it appears as if he has been replaced by Anders Lindegaard for now. Since De Gea is only 21 there's still plenty of time for him to turn it around and become United’s goalkeeper for the future.

4 – Stewart Downing – Liverpool

Transfer - £20 million from Aston Villa

After 20 games in the League this season, Stewart Downing has produced absolutely nothing, save an arrest for allegedly punching his ex-girlfriend. He has zero assists and zero goals in Premier League play, but finally managed a point with a goal against Oldham in the FA Cup. Anyone who has watched Liverpool this season has seen Downing has had more than his fair share of opportunities to tuck away goals. At least now he has the same amount of goals as he has arrests.

3 – Samir Nasri – Manchester City

Transfer - £22 million from Arsenal

Nasri has appeared in only 12 league games, while making the starting XI only nine times. In those games, while he has netted two goals and seven assists, he has often seemed lost and out of place. With David Silva and Yaya Toure anchoring the City midfield it has been hard for Nasri to get on the pitch, especially as he has also been outplayed by James Milner. With Yaya Toure off the African Cup of Nations, thoughm Nasri should have a chance to play and show his worth.

Liverpool Redux

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Yes, yes, I know you what you want to read is about Liverpool vs. Manchester City, but what Correspondent Scott wanted to write about was Liverpool vs. Newcastle.  To each his own....

o farlieonfootie thought the Liverpool - Newcastle game was a snoozer, but it was an emotional rollercoaster for me.  After a second own goal in as many games, it seemed Liverpool fans were in for another game in which the Reds dominate the action but still manage to lose or tie at best – especially given that they were playing at Anfield, which has not been a lucky locale for them this season.  In fact, the only time I’ve seen Liverpool win at home lately has been while playing FIFA 2012 on the Wii which, despite the sounds, player names and graphics, fails the realism test as it is Andy Carroll who scores all the goals.

o While Carroll has failed to impress since his arrival at Anfield, Craig Bellamy, on the other hand, has been a welcome surprise.  His speed and tenacity have seen him make a positive impact in every appearance and he single-handedly salvaged this game for the Reds with his brace that spanned the half-time interval.  Bellamy’s play of late certainly warrants more time on the pitch.

o Another player who has been consistently dangerous and creative, despite not scoring and, thus, disappointing many, is Stewart Downing.  His speed down the flanks, whipped-in crosses and excellent overlapping play with a fully-healthy Glen Johnson have opened up other lanes for the rest of the team to exploit.

o O Captain! My Captain!  The return of Steven Gerrard, via two second-half substitutions of the can’t-seem-to-fully-get-in-a-groove Charlie Adam, has shown beyond any doubt that he simply makes the team better.  His ability to keep possession and find that dangerous pass (something Adam seems to have left at Blackpool) inject a little something extra into the rest of the squad.  Gerrard's presence on the pitch is immediately noticeable, which he proved by nearly gathering an assist with his first touch of the ball in the prior game.  And his goal against Newcastle to seal the points was clinical from a tight angle after concluding that Carroll was blanketed by prison uniforms.   But, unfortunately, one of his most sublime passes through on goal was to the hapless Carroll who bungled the control.   Between tripping over his own feet and getting bear hugged by Mike Williamson any time the ball was in the air, Carroll suffered another frustrating day, his best effort being a header that clanged off the cross bar.

Return of the Hills: Round 19 in the BPL

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Round 19 in the BPL came and went in a booze-induced fog, impairing this reviewer's judgment and clouding his memory.  The festive merrymaking that accompanied the weeks' off-pitch activities coincided with a visit from a former pair of farlieonfootie correspondents, the Hills.  Now utilized as undercover reporters sniffing out sinister developments in the Natural Gas scene for our sister website http://www.farlieonfracking.com/, the Hills left a path littered with human destruction after their return to corporate headquarters: Correspondent Ed was forced to visit a doctor twice inside of seven days for issues related to his more delicate parts, Correspondent James went missing well before midnight at the office New Year's Eve shindig, and Correspondent Scott's wife was verbally assaulted by an inmate who had recently escaped the local lunatic asylum.


Appearing majestically perched on the bow of their megayacht -- christened the "Frack Me" -- the Hills arrived in South Florida posing as a pair of North Carolina enterpreneurs looking to invest in the oil and gas business.  Staying true to their undercover roles during the course of their week-long stay, the Hills entertained a slew of people on board their spectacular 524 foot megaship, all the while serving special alcoholic concoctions they called "Drilling Mud" in an attempt to pry corporate secrets out of loose lipped industry insiders.   Culminating in a spectacular party featuring a bar-top dirty dancing contest won by Mrs. Hill, and a 14 mile chase of a Belgian beer distributor's truck through the streets of Fort Lauderdale by Mr. Hill, farlieonfootie's office crew was blindsided by the return of their former correpsondents, and unable to properly focus on the task for which they are so handsomely compensated: covering the ins and outs of the BPL. 


What follows, then, is a somewhat abridged version of the week's most notable observations.  This column should revert back to normal for Round 20's results, pending the length of Correspondent Ed's detoxification procedure.  With no further ado, off we go:

o Although the round begain in a fairly tame manner (see my thoughts on Liverpool vs Newcastle, below), it quickly developed into the most dramatic weekend yet in the BPL.  Talk about the power of the lower classes -- top dogs Man City, Man United and Chelsea all lost to lowly and troubled teams, and none more dramatically than Ji Dong-Wong's last-kick-of-the-round winner to send Manchester City fans home with a serious case of the blues.

My Resignation

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The column in which Correspondent Scott throws in the towel:

No, much to the chagrin of you loyal readers whom I have bored with my meager literary ramblings, and I doubt to the relief of farlieonfootie, the resignation is not from my post as an unpaid and underappreciated blogging scribe, but rather refers to my acceptance, belatedly many would say, that Liverpool, in all likelihood (I still have to qualify), has no chance at winning the EPL title this year. 

Patronizing, “I-told-you-so” chuckles are surely being enjoyed by many, exacerbating the depressing cloud that envelopes that first sentence.  But results are results and facts are facts.  The result that prompted my Prozac prescription was a 1-0 loss to Fulham this past Monday at Craven Cottage.  And the fact that increases the dosage of that medication is that Liverpool have “progressed” from drawing games they should win to losing them.  A troubling pattern to say the least.

The pace of the Fulham game was frantic with both sides getting chances in the first half.  Jordan Henderson, in the space of 10 minutes, showed why he is both a liability and a potentially brilliant emerging talent.  Around the quarter hour mark he completely muffed a clearance that gifted a goal scoring chance to an opportunistic Fulham offense but then, only minutes later, he bucked the meaningless-passing malaise that had infected the Liverpool offense by boldly charging into the box and curling a looping shot that bounced agonizingly off the inside of the post.

Nodding Off: Fulham 1 - Liverpool 0

Correspondent Ed Preparing Game Notes on Monday's Contest
photo by russelljsmith	via PhotoRee

Andy Carroll got the nod alongside Luis Suarez on Monday, as Liverpool traveled to Craven Cottage to take on Fulham.  Or maybe it's better to say Carroll caused a nod on Monday.  As in, I just about nodded off while watching him play. And King Kenny didn't look so happy with his charge, either. Carroll looks totally out of synch with his Liverpool teammates on offense -- they're trying to play a high tempo, quick movement game, and he's just not quick or good enough to keep up.

Meanwhile, Fulham's strike corps is not in a much better state: Bobby Zamora is a striker who generally personifies the attitude that if one touch in the box is good, three must be even better.

Fulham's attack looked labored at best, and stuck in the mud at worst. They had no movement or rhythm at all to their play until after Jay Spearing was red carded, and created very few real chances in the first 75+ minutes on Monday night playing in front of their home crowd. I'm not exactly sure what Martin Jol's new system is, but the Fulham players don't seem to be getting it. At all.

And it's not just on the pitch that Fulham has problems.  Such is the current state of chaos in the Cottagers' locker room that their players were recently given a gag order, told by management not to speak with the media. Lots of dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs, if you believe the reports....  It's such a strange situation at Craven Cottage: ever since Uncle Woy was wooed away to take the reins at Liverpool West  Brom, Fulham has been on a path straight downward. First, Mark Hughes walked away from the head coaching job FOR NO APPARENT REASON AT ALL, then Martin Jol came in, and has only won 3 games (including Monday night's contest). Fulham now find themselves in a relegation dogfight, and it could be a long year in West London. At least they'll always have their Michael Jackson statue....

Please Hold

Photo by Chris Dlugosz via Flickr

Correspondent Ed takes a vacation from his hectic work schedule to check in and offer some of his typical stunning insight into the international break :

This international competition break has been a bit painful, positioned as it was only three weeks into what promises to be a very exciting season in the EPL. Perhaps it's the success -- or conspicuous lack thereof -- of the American team, or perhaps it's just the annoying figure that is Fabio Capello and his underachieving three lions, but whatever the reason, it just seems that there's too much of these national team games.

Even Sky Sports news seems to be in a bit of a holding funk, pulling the always perky Georgie Thompson for the likes of Vicky Gomersall. Urgh...!

But let's do our best to put all of that to the side, and through the unrelenting din of the hold music, here are a few thoughts:

1. From Top to Bottom. Once the most exciting team in the EPL, Spurs are now in dead last and look in need of a complete transfusion. It's shocking what a difference a few months makes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: while Luka Modric is a great player, he's not worth £40MM, and if he wanted to move to Chelsea they should've let him go. Spurs could probably have picked up Charlie Adam and Gary Cahill with that money, and they still would have had £10MM left to spend. At the  end of the day, while Modric is a creative player, he's a defensive liability and a poor shot. His real value is about £15MM, and an unhappy Luka might be worth less than that.