|photo by Mzelle Biscotte
Correspondent Ed dips into the latest mailbag:
Dear Corresp. Ed:
Love your columns! Do you think Jose Mourinho has what it takes to take Real Madrid past Barcelona?
--Georgie T. (your number 1 fan), I’m in London, but you’re always in my dreams
Thanks for your support, Miss Georgie, and wow, I’m kind of blushing now.... To answer your question, I’m not sure that nutty face-pincher has what it takes to get past Barca. The reality that is hitting the football world – or should be – is that the Barca tactical system is the most efficient system in modern football. Barca controlled the ball against a very good Madrid side a startling 73% of the time, and doubled the number of shots on goal taken by their opponent. Barca is by far the better team, even though their talent is only somewhat better, and until Mourinho learns the Barca system he’ll never be more than second best no matter how many girlish slaps he puts on the oppositions assistant coaches. But if you still don’t believe me, check out what the talentless Swansea team – the Barca of Wales – is doing in the EPL. Spurs may be the most fun team in the EPL to watch, but Swansea isn’t close behind.
Keep up the great work! Is it true that whenever there is a Copa Del Ray match, the offices of FOF allow tripping, pinching, and flopping?
--Donny K., California, USA
First of all, shut the frack up Donny! (Sorry, man, I've been waiting for the opportunity to drop my favorite Big Lebowski line for a long time). Second, it is true that on days of Barca v. Real matches the boss man declares “Copa Rules” and pretty much any kind of slapping, hand-stomping, face pinching, and hair pulling is permitted, but any kind of self-respecting retaliation or manly gestures are strictly forbidden. And here’s something you probably don’t know: no one can grab his face and drop better than the Corresp. Scott. After pretending to take a thumb to the eye this week during a power point presentation, he flopped to the conference room floor and clawed at his face for a good 45 seconds with only occasional peaks at the boss man. It was glorious to watch. Glorious.
Do you think Jermaine Defoe has a legitimate complaint about not playing, considering he’s scored 11 goals in only 14 appearances?
Come on you Spurs!
--Jermaine, London, England
Well, uh, Jermaine, I would have to agree with you. Opposing defenders have contended that Adebayor is an extremely difficult match up with. That said, I think the reluctance to switch him out by Uncle Harry has almost as much to do with staying with what got you there as it has to do with ability. I’ve never seen a player off-sides more than Adebayor, and he’s not that great a finisher. Defoe, however, can finish inside a phone booth. I expect to see him more as the season progresses, and a healthy Defoe could mean lots of goals for Spurs.
Who’s got the best hair in the EPL? And is it true that FOF has been considering a dye job?
Thanks for giving the power back to the people.-- Maroune, Liverpool, England
Thanks, Maroune. Best hair? That’s easy. Number 1: Benoit Assou-Ekotto, but only when he lets it free. Number 2: Scott Parker. Number 3: Mario Balatelli with labyrinth carving on side. Number 4: Mikel Arteta. Number 5: You, baby. All you.
As for your second question, in light of the big paint put up by some of his over-40 friends, one would think FOF would consider a few apps of Just for Men (double dark brown, with just a hint of grey). However, the word around the office is that the self-described “White Stag” is shaving it all off and leaning towards more of a “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” look these days. For some reason young sociopathic Marxists intrigue him.
Can Arsenal beat United? Can Spurs beat City?
Lovin’ you up.
--Charlie W., Van outside your House, USA
First of all Miss Charlie, your image is still the number one most visited item on our website, so thanks! Second, the van thing is a little creepy, but I’m totally into it.
As for your questions, Arsenal CAN beat United. This is not because Arsenal is good, but more because United looks very leaky at he back. Unfortunately, this game isn’t what it used to be. As for Spurs, I think they have a better chance of toppling City than Arsenal do United. This is true in part because Luka Modric will be free to roam in light of Ya Ya Toure’s absence. Plus, no one on City can stop Gareth Bale and he’s due for a big game after his poor effort against Wolves. This is it for Spurs – the potential championship talk depends on a good result in this match. Let’s hope the game turns out half as good as the hype that leads up to it.
Is it true that Corresp. James was the child actor who played Mikey in the famous Life Cereal “Mikey Likes it!” ads?
Thanks for your great work, and Come on you Spurs!
--Alan Hill, North Carolina, USA
We get that question a lot, Alan, and thanks for the compliment. No, it’s not true he played Mikey in that ad. But Corresp. James does like to make outrageous claims like that one – or like his claim that he invented the question mark. I’ve also seen him accuse chestnuts of being lazy. Not to digress, but Corresp. James has the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.
Thanks for your questions, fans, and enjoy the big games this weekend! Come on you Spurs!!
This is farlieonfootie for January 21.