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To: Worldwide farlieonfootie Staff [US, UK, GER, GUAM, ITA, JPN, RUS, SPN, UAE]
From: His Em. farlieonfootie [HQ]
Date: May 12, 2011
Re: Office Behavior
I’m sorry it’s come to this, but several office issues have recently come to my attention which I can no longer afford to gloss over. Repercussions must occur, and the guilty shall be named and hung (figuratively, of course, as I can’t allow the bitter old broad who ran Human Resources any additional ammunition in her pending discrimination lawsuit). Effective from this day forward, the following changes shall be made:
Correspondent James: Drinking in the office during office hours is strictly forbidden, even if you did graciously offer to share half the bottle with me. Furthermore, I will need more complete documentation from the Cock and Bull Library in Columbia as to the type of research you have been conducting there every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon. Also, a few follow up questions spring to mind: if the football books there are really sold on a 2-for-1 special between 5pm and 7pm, what are you doing with your now extensive collection, and should farlieonfootie consider buying more of these for our own office so you can conduct your future column research under my own keen eyes?
Correspondent Scott: References in your columns to feminine hygiene are offensive to half of our readers and will no longer be tolerated. Even if your favorite player is indeed named Maxi. Additionally, it is no longer okay to walk around the office, shirt off, and chest waxed and oiled, asking your fellow office mates if you “remind them in any way of Cristiano.” You don’t, and it’s gross. Finally, although May 17 may be “Galician Literature Day” in Spain, it’s not a holiday here in the United States, so you will be expected to be at work that day. All day, as opposed to your more common interpretation of our office hours.
Correspondent Ed: Although I enjoyed it, several of your colleagues have told me they felt the magician costume you wore to the office during “Take your Child to Work Day” last week was in rather poor taste. So too, they believed, were the numerous “Ta Da’s” you kept shouting, and the hungry looks and “double thumbs up” you gave each employee’s child. Although I felt that offering to give the children candy and inviting them to see your “cool play room” was a nice attempt at cheering them up, I think your kind offer may have been lost on the screaming ones. Finally, just a personal piece of advice: leave the trench coat at home. Rainy season is now over.
Correspondent Ian: The playing of classical music and North Korean martial tunes to mark the demise of West Ham United’s existence in the Premier League will no longer be tolerated. Also, as you know, your reassignment to covering the Championship will of course move you from an office to a cubicle. Finally, as you clean out your former space, please take down the poster of a certain Carlos Tevez from the wall.
Correspondent Todd: I can no longer continue to keep you on the payroll at your present work rate. Your exorbitant salary demands, slack work habits, and eccentric insistence that your co-workers refer to you as “Little Messi” are beginning to rub people the wrong way. I thought we had things back on the straight and narrow after I bailed you out of the Ibezan prison, but after last week’s incident in which you stand accused in a court of law of “doing donuts” on Correspondent Ed’s lawn with your high-powered Vespa, I’m losing faith once again. It’s not okay, even if Ed did refer to your favorite team as the “petite Barcelona floppers.”
Not all of the news here at farlieonfootie is bad, however, and I would like to single out one of our hardest working employees for a special brand of praise.
Correspondent Tom: The receipts you turned in from your Honduras trip are filled with multiple references to “Cigarros,” “Licor” and “Prostitutas.” Now I’m no Spanish genius, but even I was able to figure out that these must be the names of the three children to whom you were recently down there giving aid. Please send photos of the little darlings, whom you were so thoughtful to have visited repeatedly during your stay, so I can use them on our website to build up our international and humanitarian appeal. I think your work may finally catch the attention of UNICEF, who to this point in time have been generally deaf to my numerous invitations to partner. Congratulations, and keep it up -- Your hard work is truly appreciated.
This is farlieonfootie for May 12.
This is farlieonfootie for May 12.