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| photo by mdid | via PhotoRee |
To: Worldwide farlieonfootie Staff [US, UK, GER, GUAM, ITA, JPN, RUS, SPN, UAE]
From: His Em. farlieonfootie [HQ]
Date: May 12, 2011
Re: Office Behavior
I’m sorry it’s come to this, but several office issues have recently come to my attention which I can no longer afford to gloss over. Repercussions must occur, and the guilty shall be named and hung (figuratively, of course, as I can’t allow the bitter old broad who ran Human Resources any additional ammunition in her pending discrimination lawsuit). Effective from this day forward, the following changes shall be made:
Correspondent James: Drinking in the office during office hours is strictly forbidden, even if you did graciously offer to share half the bottle with me. Furthermore, I will need more complete documentation from the Cock and Bull Library in Columbia as to the type of research you have been conducting there every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon. Also, a few follow up questions spring to mind: if the football books there are really sold on a 2-for-1 special between 5pm and 7pm, what are you doing with your now extensive collection, and should farlieonfootie consider buying more of these for our own office so you can conduct your future column research under my own keen eyes?
Correspondent Scott: References in your columns to feminine hygiene are offensive to half of our readers and will no longer be tolerated. Even if your favorite player is indeed named Maxi. Additionally, it is no longer okay to walk around the office, shirt off, and chest waxed and oiled, asking your fellow office mates if you “remind them in any way of Cristiano.” You don’t, and it’s gross. Finally, although May 17 may be “Galician Literature Day” in Spain, it’s not a holiday here in the United States, so you will be expected to be at work that day. All day, as opposed to your more common interpretation of our office hours.
