Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Get Sexy!

Columnist Ed Talks up a Guest at Zap Dog
photo by tibchrisvia PhotoRee

In which Columnist Ed dishes on the latest staff meeting, and offers a rare, behind-the-scenes look at the makings of a corporate juggernaut:

And so our Dear Leader (farlieonfootie), all uppity and happy happy after his little Rooney goal and his current first place standing in our office fantasy league game, decided to invite the staff out to a new bar called -- well, let’s call it “Zap Dog” -- for some craft beers and, in all likelihood, some nasty new treat he wanted us to try.  It was one of those corporate events you had to go to, not because you wanted to go, but because you wanted avoid relegation to the Crystal Palace beat, or something equally awful.

The clientele at Zap Dog ranged from disappointing to alarming.  One young lady standing next to me had something like the following sentence tattooed on her neck:  “. . . . and not for Stella’s apron.”  I couldn’t read the first part of this sentence as her hair was covering it, but I can't conceive of having any sentence tattooed permanently on my body that ends with “...and not for Stella’s apron.”

Another young lady looked okay for a second from just the right angle, but then turned into something fiendish in full view.  I shivered and tried harder to pay attention to the bossman, but in those circumstances it was incredibly difficult.  It was almost as if I was Shallow Hal from the movie of the same name, and Tim Robbins had just read me the code word (could it be “Zap Dog?”).

And so we were were making our way through some overly hoppy beers in plastic cups (yes, plastic cups), when The Not-So-Special One (eating something he likes to call a ham-celery knocker) decided to impart some new corporate guidelines for the website and our coverage thereon.  I can't imagine our readers would care much about, but I list the new guidelines for you below so you can have these in the back of your mind when you're reading future copy:

1.       Frank Lampard is Done.  Yep, that Frankie, the one whom all of England loves come World Cup time, the one that was robbed of a goal against Germany, and the one who is thirty-ish and plays on a pretty poor Chelsea team.  According to the bossman, he’s done.  Get over it, and put in Wilshere.

2.       Blackpool is Done.  File the Tangerines under Frankie Lampard, as they’re going to be relegated.  We’re going to have to junk that little tab up there and burn everything that has to do with these poor guys.  It was fun, fellas, but I’m sorry to say it’s over and it’s not even over yet.

3.       Barcelona = Money.  Well, unlike the message board on our sister site (don’t see what Barca and shale gas have in common, but hey, it’s apparently working for them), we don’t report much on Barcelona here on http://www.farlieonfootie/, except, of course, for the occasional dismissive slam (see Man Up, Barca!, a personal favorite).  But it seems there’s a lot of those pesky Barca fans and so the bossman told us we're going to have to start saying things like “Messi Messi Messi” or “Iniesta Iniesta Iniesta” or whatever, no matter how much it makes us want to gag and fall down and hold our shins as if we just got kicked.

4.       Get Sexy.  The new "Golden Rule" here at farlieonfootie.  Apparently, my posting pictures of my favorite Charlie – Charlie Webster – was “a good start,” but we’ve got to turn some traffic by putting in even more pix of hotties, and even throw some sexy chatter in the comments section.  I should warn you all to brace yourselves, for the bossman said something about “throwing a few choice pix of himself up on the site, if need be.”  Ewwww.

5.       Edgy is Everything.  While it’s difficult for me to believe that a survey done of over 1,000 Yellow Russians found me to be “closer to milquetoast than tobacco,” I guess I'm going to have to start writing more outrageous comments.  Things like:  “Messi Caught in Sex Scandle with Lady Gaga!!!”  And “Ronaldo Abducted by Aliens that Look Like Lady Gagy!!!”  Or even, “Farlie, if you really love that ice cream sandwich so much then sure, go ahead and marry it!!”

This is a Sick and Sexified farlieonfootie for February 23.

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