Saturday, September 24, 2011

Hypocrisy, Horse Teeth and the Offside Rule

photo by treehouse1977via PhotoRee

Scott answers an age old dilemma in his latest piece:

In order to distract myself from last bloody Sunday when the referee of the Liverpool/ Tottenham game pulled so many yellow and red cards out of his arse that rumors were circulating he had stumbled upon a pre-match smorgasbord of wounded canaries, I set aside my third bottle of Rioja and earnestly considered the paradox that has consistently confounded sages through the ages: How can we hate a player on one team and then cheer for him when he joins our team?

I completely acknowledge that as I point out others who are guilty of this fan foible, there are three other fingers on the same hand accusing me back. How else could I span the gaping chasm from loathing Luis Suarez for maliciously denying the poor Ghanaians their rightful victory in the last World Cup with his goal line handball antics, to wearing out my Uruguayan rosary beads every weekend in hopes that he might help Liverpool restore their dignity and former glory? 

Conveniently ignoring the perpetual toothy scowl, I find myself, more often than not, quickly excusing his petulance and tantrums, whether it be at the Britannia or on White Hart Lane, so I can return to cheering for the goal we desperately need. It makes no difference that he has gone from annoying defenses to just plain annoying.  All because he swapped his light blue jersey from the summer of 2010 for the blood-red jersey worn by fanatics in a city along the eastern side of the Mersey Estuary.  Andale dientes de caballo!

But while I may be hypocritical, Kenny Dalglish was not for recently criticizing officials for a rash of decisions that have gone against Liverpool.  I’m not saying the decisions are why Liverpool only has 7 points from 5 games, but it makes you wonder.  And for those of you who keep whining “but Suarez was offside during the Arsenal game,” either buy a rule book or go back to watching competitive knitting.  He was not offside for either goal.  For the second, he was off when the ball went to Miereles but back on again when Miereles squared the ball to him for the goal.  And on the first, he was in an offside position but did not play the ball, nor did he interfere with the defender or block vision, etc.  That's the very definition of being in an offside position but not being offside!

Back to my first point via a multiple choice question:

Who said “I think I am whistled at because I am handsome, rich and a great player and people are jealous of me.”? 
A.   Correspondent Ed at the water cooler the other day, slicking back his left eyebrow with a fresh dollop of Cheetos-laden saliva.
B.   farlieonfootie every time he pulls on a Manchester United jersey, in much the same way Hannibal Lector’s protege, Buffalo Bill, dons a fresh pelt and beholds his reflection in the mirror, after tucking away his inconvenient parts.
C.   Cristiano Ronaldo as he ducks into his Ferrari, supermodel in tow, and adjusts the golden boot award dangling from the rear view mirror.
D.  All of the above

While the correct answer is D, the point I’m tying to make is that as much as I detested a certain Portuguese forward while he was waxing his chest in Manchester, I would gladly subsidize his pectoral depilation in Madrid.  And farlieonfootie, after shedding his derma-robe, would have to agree that a scant three years ago he would be tripping over himself to defend the shellacked, misunderstood arrogance that leaves wrecked Italian sports cars unattended in Manchester tunnels.

The bard may have been correct that a rose by any other name… but he misses wildly when considering a rose by any other jersey color.
This is farlieonfootie for September 24.

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