Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Letter from a Football Nut

Columnist Ed, on One of His Better Days

photo by Sister72via PhotoRee

Columnist Ed is back, this time with a letter he claims to have burgled from the office of the EPL Chairman:

Sir David Richards
Chairman, English Premier League

Dear Sir Richards:
I am writing because I am interested in a position in your league.  I am not interested in a position in management, or as a coach, or as an assistant coach.  I am especially disinterested in anything to do with taking care of the pitch – I don’t even like to mow my own lawn!  Instead, I am interested in playing soccer for one of your teams in front of thousands of adoring fans.  From what I can tell, this seems like a fun way to make a living, and I understand the pay is quite generous. 
I have a few conditions, however, that you need to know about.  First, I don’t like to run.  At all.  One time I was being chased by a hoard of hungry, wild dogs that were frothing at the mouth and the best I could muster was a light jog.  But hey, does anyone really like to run?  I mean, I’ve seen that guy Drogba play and I can GUARANTEE you that he doesn’t like to run.  I’ve also heard no one on Liverpool likes to run.  Is that true?  Is running a requirement of being a player?  Would Liverpool be a good fit?  How about Fulham? 

Second, I’m extremely ticklish.  Even the sight of something ticklish makes me laugh.  Once I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw someone scratch their own armpit!  I also laugh whenever I read or see the name “Pienaar.”  Sometimes I just like to say it to have a giggle.  Pienaar.  Hah!!  (See?)  So I don’t think I can play on a team with anyone that has a funny name.  I heard that there’s a guy on Manchester City named “Ya Ya”, so if that’s true – which I doubt – I definitely can’t play for them.  I also heard there used to be a guy in your league named Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink.  I can barely stand up when I hear that.  If he and Pienaar (Hah!) and Ya Ya were all on my team I’d probably pee my pants.  Could you imagine Ya Ya passing to Pienaar (hah!) passing to Jan Vennegor of Hessilink passing to me – and I’m just standing there on the pitch peeing my pants and laughing?

Hey, is there really a guy in your league named the Little Pea?  That’s not funny; that’s just stupid. 
Third, I suffer from a condition called West Umberland Sensation Syndrome (WUSS).  This disease causes me to feel great pain from things that would typically not be painful.  For example, when people shake my hand I’m often in so much pain that I drop to one knee, tear up, and wince.  I understand that despite its name, WUSS originated in the Spanish and Italian soccer leagues, and typically first occurs in the ankles and only later works its way up to other extremeties.  There is no cure to WUSS.  I’ve heard there are quite a few guys in your league who now have it – Gareth Bale seems to be exhibiting some symptoms lately, so I thought Spurs might be a good fit. 
Fourth, I really like bad corporate logos.  I have a collection of soda cans with bad logos on them.  Like Rola Cola and Chubby Orange Tango.  I’ve heard you have a team that just has a telephone number on their jersey!!  That’s totally awful!!!  I’d love to play for them!!!  I heard that there’s an American named Stuart Holden who plays for them.  I’m also American!  I also heard that there’s a team with a telephone number inside a house on the front of their jersey, and that they just got completely robbed (burgled?!) by the officials when they played Manchester United.  Is that true about the house and the number?  Should I have called the number to complain?  

Fifth, I really like square passes and I’m really good at them (when I’m not laughing).  I mean, I can do a square pass all day.  Sometimes I’ll even do a square pass when I’m playing other sports.  Like tennis.  Or darts.  From what I hear, there’s a guy named Gareth Barry who was bought for £12 Million and all he really does is square passes.  Is that true?  Does he love square passes as much as me?  Can you imagine if we were on a team together, me and Gary, and we just kept doing square passes?  Do you think I could call him Gary? 
Finally, and most importantly, I’m not that good at soccer.  I hear from people in Texas that the Hammers of West Ham United might be the place for me.  They're bad; I’m bad – seems like a perfect fit!  Do they have any players with funny names?  Do you even know any of the names of their players?  Does anyone?  Do they play darts?
If there is no position available for a player, I would also be interested in a position as an owner.  I heard from some guy named Glazer that as an owner you can borrow as much as you want from your team and you never really have to pay it back.  I really like borrowing money but I really hate paying it back, so this kind of kills two birds with one stone for me.  I also heard that if you don’t really care if you’re good you can just sell off your entire team and the fans will call the team the Villans and not you!  Is that true?  Is there really a guy named Agbonlahor?  Hah!   
Please let me know what I must to do obtain a position as a player or as an owner in your league.  Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.
Anne O. Nimus
PS:  Do you think Rola Cola would be interested in sponsoring a team?  Maybe you should ask them!  Can I?
This is farlieonfootie for January 4.


  1. A first I thought that Tracy Jordan wrote this letter but now I think it might be Holden Caulfield. That EPL, what a bunch of phonies. They kill me.

  2. Anne: sounds like you're an ideal candidate to wear the captain;s armband for our Boca tourney in the spring!