Positively Funereal: Round 26 in the BPL

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The Round may not be complete but it's good enough for us.  Our thoughts on Round 26 in the BPL:

o The atmosphere at Stamford Bridge was positively funereal on Saturday, despite the home side's 4-1 victory win. Both managers dressed in black and the crowd showed its respect by dutifully observing more than 85 minutes of silence during the match. We guess three victories in nine home games will do that to you.

o Meanwhile, over in another erstwhile challenger's camp, Joe Hart's form continues to deteriorate. At the rate he's plummeting Roy Hodgson may be tempted to give Robert Green another shot at grabbing the England number one kit.

o Gareth Barry had a Man of the Match performance for the Southampton Saints with a fine assist and an exquisite, composed finish to put Manchester City's season in critical condition.  We didn't realize Barry had that type of finishing in his game -- as in putting a finish to City's title defense.

o Meanwhile, Yaya Toure showed he's no Joe Willie Namath with his bold prediction that the momentum in the title race would swing City's way upon his return. Looking a toothless version of the dominating midfielder who went off to the African Cup, Toure was three steps off the pace and played as if his plane still hadn't landed yet.

Oh, Cruel Fate: Round 18 in the BPL

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o Fate was more than a bit cruel to Reading on Saturday. At first we were convinced that the Royals had set out their defensive stall much too early  -- Who goes to Eastlands thinking they can play non-stop defense for the entire second half...?  But then we almost, just almost, began to believe that they were actually going to pull it off: the first shutout at Eastlands in quite some time. But up popped the unlikely head of Gareth Barry to seal what could be a vital three points at the end of the season for Manchester City.

o And because of that ultra-late winner, we'll name Gareth Barry our Player of the Week -- will wonders never cease?! -- but only because of the dramatic nature of the midfielder's stoppage time winner on Saturday. His play would be ruled a foul 99.99% of the time, but because newly inserted Reading man Nicky Shorey made no attempt whatsoever to play the ball, the goal appeared justly awarded to our eyes.

o We're not quite certain what Rafa is doing with Chelsea, but you have to like the results. That is, unless you're an Aston Villa fan....

o They may not be turning Japanese, but Chelsea turned up the heat on their Premier League rivals in Manchester with their outlandish victory on Sunday. Outdoing even their 7-1 defeat of the Villans from a couple of season ago, the Blues demolished Aston Villa, making the two point conversion for a remarkable 8-1 final on Sunday, in a game that could have seen 4 or 5 more goals -- and (amazingly so) one in which the Villa 'keeper was the best player on the pitch.  The end result was one of the more comprehensive beatings we've seen in several years:  When the names of Frank Lampard and Fernando Torres are both on the score sheet, you know you're in serious trouble....

Letter from a Football Nut

 Columnist Ed, on One of His Better Days 
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Columnist Ed is back, this time with a letter he claims to have burgled from the office of the EPL Chairman:

LETTER FROM A DISTURBED FAN

Sir David Richards

Chairman, English Premier League

Dear Sir Richards:

I am writing because I am interested in a position in your league.  I am not interested in a position in management, or as a coach, or as an assistant coach.  I am especially disinterested in anything to do with taking care of the pitch – I don’t even like to mow my own lawn!  Instead, I am interested in playing soccer for one of your teams in front of thousands of adoring fans.  From what I can tell, this seems like a fun way to make a living, and I understand the pay is quite generous. 

I have a few conditions, however, that you need to know about.  First, I don’t like to run.  At all.  One time I was being chased by a hoard of hungry, wild dogs that were frothing at the mouth and the best I could muster was a light jog.  But hey, does anyone really like to run?  I mean, I’ve seen that guy Drogba play and I can GUARANTEE you that he doesn’t like to run.  I’ve also heard no one on Liverpool likes to run.  Is that true?  Is running a requirement of being a player?  Would Liverpool be a good fit?  How about Fulham? 

Second, I’m extremely ticklish.  Even the sight of something ticklish makes me laugh.  Once I nearly fell out of my chair when I saw someone scratch their own armpit!  I also laugh whenever I read or see the name “Pienaar.”  Sometimes I just like to say it to have a giggle.  Pienaar.  Hah!!  (See?)  So I don’t think I can play on a team with anyone that has a funny name.  I heard that there’s a guy on Manchester City named “Ya Ya”, so if that’s true – which I doubt – I definitely can’t play for them.  I also heard there used to be a guy in your league named Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink.  I can barely stand up when I hear that.  If he and Pienaar (Hah!) and Ya Ya were all on my team I’d probably pee my pants.  Could you imagine Ya Ya passing to Pienaar (hah!) passing to Jan Vennegor of Hessilink passing to me – and I’m just standing there on the pitch peeing my pants and laughing?

Walker, Texas Ranger

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Texas Hold 'Em.  "Now I don't know how y'all administer your laws over  there in Old Europe, nor do I really care, but here in the Lone Star Republic of Tejas we have a different way of administering justice: we like to settle our disputes with a six-shooter.  Barring that, we work hard to 'fix' the decisions so they come out the way we like 'em."  Thus (or something reasonably approximating thus) read the decision today of Judge Jim Jordan of the 160th District Court of the United States, as he issued a temporary restraining order blocking Liverpool's proposed sale to New England Sports Ventures. 

With language borrowed directly from a 19th century western cattle dispute, Hicks and Gillette accused the Liverpool Board and the Royal Bank of Scotland of carrying out an "epic swindle" in an attempt to undervalue the club by hundreds of millions of dollars and wipe out their equity value. I can't say I'm an expert on the merits of either side's legal arguments, but Hicks and Gillete would seem to have a point, as rival bids from Peter Lim and Mill Financial both appear to offer more money for the Scousers.  There's no telling how or when the dispute will be settled, but I'll give Liverpool Chairman Martin Broughton this warning right now (as my friend B Leg would no doubt attest): Don't Mess with Texas.

My Sentiments Exactly.  Kudos to our footie friends at Caught Offside for identifying Gareth Barry for what he truly is: a crab in disguise.  I don't understand Signoris Cappello and Mancini's fascination with the guy; to me he's useless.  You like seeing the ball passed backwards and sideways? Gareth's your man.  You want to see attacking, creative football?  Not so much....  And to make matters worse, he's not just on the pitch: he's the guy controlling the game plan!  I can only hope Man City continues to play him regularly: 90 minutes week in, week out, for Gareth Barry in sky blue and I'll be a happy man.

Owen Who?  Forgive recent Manchester United fans for not knowing much about the multi-talented Owen Hargreaves, the Canadian turned Englishman who was formerly one of the world's best holding midfielders.  Lost to knee tendinitis and resulting surgeries for almost two years, it now appears that Hargreaves long-rumored comeback may be imminent.  Or not.  We'll have to wait and see -- with fingers triple crossed.

Did I Miss Hell Freezing Over Last Night?  FIFA Head Honcho Sepp Blatter praised English football as a "leader" in anti-hooligan security, and said the rest of the world had some serious catching up to do to reach the high standard set by "the motherland of football." 

Although I thought that the flares, fireworks, brawling and knife cutting seen last night in Serbia were a normal part of the game in other countries, apparently they aren't.  Only the fireworks and flares are standard.  The brawling and knife cutting were new additions, brought on in part by Hilary Clinton.  Seriously.

Apologies in Advance to My Friend Mark for appropriating his analysis without asking his permission, but I thought his assessment of last night's dreary US - Colombia (with an "o" @landondonovan) nil-nil draw was spot on:

"Ugly game last night. This team’s problem are the same ones we saw in the Cup: too many players in the same position. Three defensive midfielders. Three guys who should be the second forward. No left half.  No offensive midfielder, and now problems at center back to boot. Bob Bradley’s vision of his own son will mess this team up. If he’s our lead creative guy we are limited."  Indeed.  Couldn't have said it better myself.

So I won't.  Instead, I'll just say this: I'm farlieonfootie for October 14.