Friday, April 29, 2011

The Memo

photo by Jeffrey Beallvia PhotoRee

Hi all -- this is Correspondent Ed, hacking into the company's back office IT system.  I'm fairly certain I shouldn't be doing this, but seeing that I'm already on suspension, I've decided to push my luck and expose the seamy underside of work here at farlieonfootie.  I'm often asked what’s it’s really like to work at the world’s most exciting internet site.  Well, perhaps this memo will give you some insight:


TO:         All Employees
FR:          His Em. Farlieonfootie
DT:         4/26/11
RE:          Year End Incentive Program
While finishing up the record-setting 900-man "Thriller" dance at Dragon Con this past weekend (for those of you who are curious, yes that was me was dressed as a Battlestar Galactica (old series) Cylon), it occurred to me that part of the vision of farlieonfootie is creating the incentive for each of you to self-actualize.  So I’ve run it by legal, and from this day forward we will refer to each other in the titles that I think we’ve earned for our efforts this year. 
For me, well that’s easy.  My glorious Red Devils are closing in on the Double (the EPL championship and the Champions League championship), I’m pretty close to wrapping up the office’s fantasy league championship, and of course, my steadfast leadership has literally put this site on the map.  Therefore, in light of my heretofore described “deafening awesomeness,” I would like all of you to refer to me in all your correspondence, emails, and conversations as “Your Eminency.”  Also, as I’ve said before, I’ve heard some of you mutter the term “Ayatollah” at or near me, and that term remains off limits.
Correspondent James, your Spurs' recent tie to West Bromwich Albion (West Bromwich Albion!!) was pretty much the last whimper of a Spurs team that really had no business being in either the Champions League or the top four.  Looking to their last five games it would seem that they must beat either Chelsea or Liverpool AND they must beat the second best team in Manchester.  You can Gareth Bale me all day, but it looks like your boys are out.  Plus you underwhelmed in the fantasy league.  Therefore, henceforth you will be referred to as “Duchess,” after my third spaniel of the same name, a dog that was cute and pettable but ultimately not the winner I am.
Correspondent Ed, your affections for Blackpool are as pathetic as your own inability to meet expectations in this office.  Right now, Blackpool’s tie at Newcastle puts them on the brink of extinction from the EPL unless they beat Stoke and either Bolton or Spurs or United (hah!) at home.  Sorry Charlie, but it looks like you’re going to have to figure out where places like Crystal Palace are next year.  I would like to relegate you just like your Tangerines, but we don’t have a relegation site other than our internal web-board (http:/farlieonofficehygiene.216/) which I would prefer you not pollute with your inane ideas.  Therefore, in light of your lack of decorum, constant factual inaccuracies, and most importantly your inability to understand and appreciate good food, I intend to refer to you by the name of a player that you scoff at every opportunity: “Pienaar.”  Hah!
Finally, Coach Tom, and Correspondents Scott and Ian, welcome aboard.  I'd like to give you names but your body of work is still incomplete.  So just know they are coming and that I am thinking of you all in the same way that I think of all of my people here at farlieonfootie, which I do mostly while bathing. 
As for the rest of you, I think your titles from last year still work.  Plus I don’t have the time or the energy to think of new ones.  I would ask Tatyana (Frank) to have new nametags made and circulated to those who need them.
 Thank you all for your attention to these matters.  And let’s close out the year strong!!!!
-          His Eminency (formerly Our Dear Leader), FOF
As a side note, I should like to serve notice to whomever egged me last evening on my way to the parking lot.  I have kept a piece of the shell that ricocheted off my forehead into the Chicharito bobble-head doll I was carrying, and I have a team of forensics guys all Miami CSI-ing it right now.  You can run but you can’t hide!! 
This is farlieonfootie for April 29.



  1. The memo....the memo....hmmm. Sounds familiar. Did I read something like this a few years ago in the Kansas City Star?

    --- Coach Tom