The Right Stuff

photo by BooWow	via PhotoRee

ACT I

SCENE ONE

(A small bar buried off a back alley, deep in the heart of the South Florida urban jungle.  A stranger wearing a pair of black sunglasses, jeans, Adidas' Samba classics, and a black jersey (2010 edition) with the number 10 on the back and the word "Rooney" emblazoned on the top, is sitting by himself in the corner of the bar, staring intently at one of the newish televisions hanging from the wall. The smell of cigarettes and cheap beer assaults the senses.)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

How 'bout a beer, Robbie?

ROB THE BARTENDER

     (Glances up from drying some glasses)

What'll it be?

FARLIEONFOOTIE

None of the piss you served the last guy.  Give me a Malheur.  I drank it the other night at a tailgate with some friends.  I'll take the big bottle.  I have a feeling I might be celebrating tonight.

ROB

You like it?

        

FARLIEONFOOTIE

Yeah.  It's kinda like a wheat beer, but with a little sweetness at the end.        
                              (Pauses)
You turn the volume up?  And what are those guys in the other room watching Celtic for?  Don't they know United's on?

(fade out)

SCENE TWO

(Inside the Press Box at a festive Old Trafford.  A loud and energized crowd can be heard in the background, lustily singing, chanting, clapping, stomping their feet, and showering the home team with unbridled love.)

JOHN CROSS OF THE DAILY MIRROR

I tweeted it earlier, and I still believe it: I fancy Chelsea to win over two legs.

RAY WILKINS

As long as Drogba stays on his feet, I agree. 

JOHN CROSS

Drogba's on the bench, Ray.  That's an awful decision.  Drogba's still Chelsea's best striker.  Only reason Torres is in is his price tag.

RAY WILKINS

I wonder if Torres will stay on his feet this time...

JOHN CROSS

                       If Chelsea go out, this'll be the key decision.

SCENE THREE

(Back at the bar.  A second individual, Steve, known to farlieonfootie, enters the bar and signals to the bartender for a beer.)

STEVE

                       Hey.  How'd I know I'd find you here?

FARLIEONFOOTIE

(waves and offers hand)

                       Because we agreed to meet?

(laughs)

STEVE

I miss anything?

(glances nervously at the television as he sits down)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

No.  Just starting.  Squeaky bum time.

(shoves finger down throat, pantomimes throwing up)

STEVE

I got it 2-1 for the good guys tonight; We got way too much for Chelsea this year.

(tries to look reasonably convincing)

SCENE FOUR

(Tunnel underneath stadium)

SIR ALEX FERGUSON

(Striding purposely onto the pitch, and talking to his team on their way back out.)
45 minutes.  Don't let them back in it.

(United fans cheer loudly, and laugh in surprise as they see Didier Drogba enter the pitch to replace the expensive flop that is Fernando Torres.  The Spaniard's  departure is greeted with some loud jeers, but not a single swear word.)

(fade out)

ACT II

SCENE ONE

(The Bar)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

Hey, Robbie.  How 'bout another Malheur?  I may need it to calm my nerves.

(Gestures to Steve, points to televison)

God.  This could be a scary final 15 minutes.

(Bangs table emphatically with his hand.  At that moment, United score their second goal of the day.  Ji-Sung Park is picked out by Ryan Giggs to complete a brilliant move, beating Petr Cech before Chelsea can even finish celebrating their tying goal.  Farlieonfootie screams with delight, bouncing up on his feet and high-fiving Steve and anyone else within reach.  The rabid United fans can be clearly heard through the television, and as the the announcer screams “And it's Ji-Sung Park in space....!  How about that?,” farlieonfootie realizes the emptiness in the pit of his stomach is gone for the first time in nearly 90 minutes.  He looks overjoyed. )

STEVE

YES!  YES!  YES!

(pumps his fists)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

Bring on Schalke....!  Semi-finals, baby!

(Screams loudly once more, just because it feels so good.  He's on an emotional high.)

SCENE TWO

(Old Trafford)

(Frenzied home crowd, now wildly rejoicing, standing and singing as one:

“Giggs
Giggs Will Tear You Apart (Again)
Giggs
Giggs Will Tear You Apart (Again).”) 

(fade out)

SCENE THREE

(the bar)

STEVE

I told you.  That's what Chicharito gives you.  His pace just killed Chelsea.

 

FARLIEONFOOTIE

How about Giggs?  And Carrick played incredibly well,too.  Maybe Man of the match?  

STEVE


I don't know.  Rooney was pretty special today.  He was everywhere.

FARLIEONFOOTIE

If they keep playing like this there's no stopping them.

(fade out)

 SCENE FOUR

(Press Conference Room)

SIR ALEX FERGUSON

(In response to a question)

I think we've hit our form.  I don't think there's any doubt about that.  

(fade out)

SCENE FIVE

(the Bar)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

(Clearly still enjoying the moment, and trying to signal Robbie for the tab.)

I loved the look on John Terry's face as he walked off the pitch.  That was priceless.

(Gestures toward Steve, patting him on the back).

Three more, brother.  Just three more.   

(Turns toward Robbie)

Thanks for the fun today, Robbie, but I gotta go.  Don't worry,though.  I'll be back.
                        (Raises glass, downs beer)

(FADE TO BLACK)

This is farlieonfootie reporting for April 13.