Shagging Sheep

photo by asgw	via PhotoRee

ACT I

SCENE ONE

(A rooftop beer bar in the middle of Manhattan, specializing in Italian craft beer.  The Empire State Building peeks out from behind the bar in the distance.  A midday crowd is gathered around the bar, comprised of tourists enjoying an Indian Summer afternoon, and locals who've snuck away from an honest day's work.  At the corner of the bar sits a stranger, wearing jeans, flip flops, shades and a long-sleeve black jersey with the number "1" and the name "De Gea" emblazoned on the back.  A car horn honks in the distance.)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

How 'bout a drink, Nick?

NICK THE BARTENDER

     (Glances up from drying some glasses)

Whaddya want?

FARLIEONFOOTIE

I'd say a beer, but I just finished hot yoga class before coming here.  You got any coconut water before I move onto the hard stuff?  I'm parched.

NICK

Hot yoga?  Ain't that for girls?

        

FARLIEONFOOTIE

I don't know, man.  If it's good enough for Giggs, it's good enough for me.  It's a great workout.        
                              (Pauses)
Turn up the volume, will ya?  United's on.

(fade out)

SCENE TWO

(A festive Elland Road.  A frenzied crowd of Leeds supporters cheer on the home team, lustily chanting, clapping, stomping their feet, and showering United with prolonged boos and cat calls.)

FAN #1

Think we'll do it again?  Loved knocking those bastards out of the FA Cup a couple seasons back....

FAN #2

Could be, but they're takin' it pretty seriously.  Look at the lineup they've run out tonight.

FAN #1

Yeah. Giggs, Berbatov, Owen, Valencia, Macheda....  Christ, those boys must be desperate to get some playing time.

FAN #2

Ryan Giggs reduced to playing the freakin' League Cup.  Bastard's so old he can barely run, 'cept after birds.

FAN #1

                       Yeah, and they're just a shite Barcelona.
                                              (Guffaws). 
                        I hope we crush 'em.

SCENE THREE

(Back at the bar.  A second individual, James, known to farlieonfootie, enters the bar and signals to the bartender for a beer.)

JAMES

                       Hey.  How did I know I'd find you here?

FARLIEONFOOTIE

(Big smile, slightly inebriated now.  Offers fist bump)

JAMES

Craft beer and football?  United on TV? Outdoor bar?  Your kind of place...!

(Whistles as he looks around and takes it all in)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

3-nothing at half.  Been a great game, Mickey Owen's terrific.

(Laughs, smiles contentedly)

JAMES

Sheep shaggers prolly thought they had a chance today....  Not against this bunch!

(Chuckles)

SCENE FOUR

(Tunnel underneath stadium)

SIR ALEX FERGUSON

(Striding purposely toward the pitch, gesturing toward Paul Pogba as he speaks to Renee Muelensteen.)
Let's give the kid a try.  I want to see what he's made of.

(Leeds fans jeer loudly, as United amble back onto the pitch.  Ryan Giggs pulls on his warmup jacket as he's replaced by the 18 year old Frenchman.)

(fade out)

ACT II

SCENE ONE

(The Bar)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

Hey, Nick.  I need another beer. Let me try one of those Wandas.  You know, the Chestnut Ale. 

(Gestures to James, points to the televison)

And now I've seen it all.

(Bangs bar emphatically with his hand.  At that moment, Dimitar Berbatov moves into central defense, replacing an cramped up Zeki Fryers.  Berbatov has now completed his shift from the League's leading scorer to its ultimate ultility man, filling in at the complete opposite end of the pitch from his customary spot.  Something tells farlieonfootie that Rio and Vida aren't losing any sleep over the Bulgarian's new post, and he smiles at the thought.  It's been that kind of afternoon, the type of game commonly described as a cakewalk.)

JAMES

So incredibly deep, that side.  Four guys on the pitch tonight for the freakin' League Cup started the European final in May.
                        (Shakes his head.)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

Yeah.  Fergie's biggest problem this season's gonna be finding them all playing time....   'Specially the strikers.

(Smiles at the thought that United have an embarassment of riches.)

SCENE TWO

(Elland Road)

(Small but passionate away crowd, now wildly rejoicing, standing and singing as one:

“...On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Four Cantonas, Three Cantonas, Two Cantonas, and an Eric Cantona. 

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

F-I-V-E Cantonas, Four Cantonas, Three Cantonas, Two Cantonas, and an Eric Cantona....”) 

(fade out)

SCENE THREE

(the bar)

JAMES

Two team race in the League this year?

FARLIEONFOOTIE

Think so. Too early to write off Chelsea, but we handled 'em pretty good this past weekend.

JAMES


City worry you?

FARLIEONFOOTIE

Yeah, especially Aguero. And Silva.  Those two are good -- and I mean really good.

(fade out)

 SCENE FOUR

(Press Conference Room)

MICHAEL OWEN

(In response to a question)

He does it all the time in training, so we know he's capable of it.   He thinks he can play center half, so he was probably the first to lift his hand when we lost Zeki.  It was no surprise to see Berba at the back! 

(fade out)

SCENE FIVE

(the Bar)

FARLIEONFOOTIE

(Clearly still enjoying the moment, and trying to signal Nick for another beer.)

I love this team.  So much talent, so many young kids….

(Gestures toward Nick, raising voice).

Hey Nick, buy James a beer.  On me.  This is now officially a celebration. 

(Turns toward James)

That was a great game, bro.  Thanks for watching it with me.  Cheers!
                        (Raises glass, downs beer)

(FADE TO BLACK)

This is farlieonfootie reporting for September 21, our one year Anniversary.